My Body, My Shirt: Lessons from a growing star!

It was the February of 2023, when our daughter-in-law was expecting our second grandson. My husband and I were overjoyed—our children had chosen to welcome a second baby into their family!

Our happiness multiplied when our daughter-in-law’s mother called to ask if I would be willing to be part of the welcome group for the little one. Ashu arrived on the 8th of March, and life was never quite the same again, for all of us, in that household.

Both of us—newly minted second-time grandparents—returned to spend time with our two grandchildren. Ashu, as Kiaan decided to name him, was about to turn one in March 2024. Big brother Kiaan was four months short of turning four in July. Watching him evolve over the year—how he lovingly cuddled his little brother and instinctively protected him had us gaping at his sense of responsibility and was nothing short of heartwarming! Whether it was rushing to shut the baby gate above the stairs or gently holding his collar to stop him from wobbling ahead, his care was instinctive and touching.

One of the most memorable moments of our stay came when our son surprised us one morning: he had booked a two-hour driving lesson for his father! Though initially hesitant, we were delighted when the coach motivated my husband, by giving him some pertinent tips, so he could drive confidently on his own. That small gesture empowered us to take Kiaan to school a couple of times during the week—a gift from our children that added a new flavour to our trip.

It was during these school runs that we discovered Kiaan was still adjusting to his new daycare. There was a drop-off routine that was followed, strictly and step-by-step. A two-minute timer would be put, during which he would go to the toilet, wash his hands, and gaze calmly at the water body outside the window.

Then came the unexpected—and deeply moving—part. As we started to leave him, Kiaan would say, "Please ask Ms. Joyce if I can continue to cry. She should not pick me up. I want to be allowed to be sad."

We had never heard this before. I’d take a deep breath, nod, and say gently, “It’s okay, you can feel sad.” However, my heart would be breaking too. Yet he insisted—I realized he needed us to inform the teacher. Only when Ms. Joyce, with a knowing smile, said loudly, “Yes, Kiaan, it’s okay—you may continue to cry!” would he be satisfied.

Much to our relief, his teachers assured us that his tearing up didn’t last long and was up soon after we left. But what stayed with us was his clarity—he didn’t want to be comforted physically, unless, it was by someone he’d given permission to. That struck me and filled me with wonder!

I asked his mother why he disliked being picked up when upset. In India, we tend to scoop up crying children instinctively, believing touch offers comfort. But clearly, that wasn’t his remedy.

At bedtime, when his mother would gently remind him it was time to go upstairs and he resisted, she’d calmly say, “Kiaan, in five minutes we are going to bed.” If he still resisted, she would add, “Then I will come and pick your body up in five minutes.”

It seemed abstract to me at first—but as the days progressed, I saw how she was teaching him a priceless philosophy, that he wasn’t just his body. His will, his mind, his emotions were equally his to own. He was building autonomy and making sense of it in his brain!

And then came the unforgettable moment, when the missing piece fell into place and the picture emerged clearly for me! This is how it transpired!

One evening, with the parents out, the grandfather offered to help Kiaan change into his nightclothes. He forgot to undo the side buttons, and the shirt tugged awkwardly over Kiaan’s head. In a flash of frustration, Kiaan marched to the dustbin and deposited the shirt inside, with purpose.

My husband looked stunned. He breathed deeply and said, softly, “You shouldn't throw away a perfectly good shirt.”

Kiaan looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “Dada, my body, my shirt! I can do what I want with it.”

We were speechless—and quite unprepared for this! That one sentence captured so much of what he had been learning: bodily autonomy, emotional boundaries, personal choice. It became the story we couldn’t stop telling family and friends.

I was also fortunate to observe how his mother handled his emotions. When he was upset or insistent on having a chocolate egg before bedtime, she calmly offered choices even as she demurred, never scolding or raising her voice. Instead, she empathized with his frustration, and stayed, sitting near him, gently present. She would say things like:

• “You’re having a tough day, aren’t you?”

• “You’re not liking who you are today…”

• “You really wish you could do what you want, don’t you?”

There was no punishment. No shaming or judgement. Just being present. With love.

What We Learned About Guiding Young Behavior

Reflecting on these experiences, here are some thoughts on how to stay patient with children when they are not feeling regulated and would welcome support from an adult.

1. Focus on Good Behaviour

   • Praise positive actions, even the small ones, to reinforce them.

   • Be consistent. Regular encouragement creates safe patterns for learning.

2. Set Clear Expectations and Consequences

   • Establish consistent rules and explain them clearly.

   • Communicate fair, age-appropriate consequences of actions done.

   • Follow through consistently.

   • Avoid punishment—it’s not just unhelpful, it can be harmful.

   • Time-outs and reward/punishment systems are often counterproductive.

3. Teach Problem-Solving & Social Skills

   • Be a model of respectful, calm behavior—children imitate more than they obey.

   • Teach communication, empathy, and emotional regulation.

   • Involve them in finding solutions when they struggle.

   • Offer choices. Empowerment reduces conflict.

4. Other important considerations:

   • Communicate with The School: if you are experiencing behaviour problems at school, work with teachers and administrators to develop a plan.

   • Be patient and consistent: It takes time and effort to change behaviour.

   • Seek professional help if needed: if you are struggling to manage your child’s behaviour, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance.

   
   

That trip left us with a deep respect for the kind of parenting we witnessed—and the kind of grandparenting we aspire to.

We thought we were going to help raise the children. But, as it turns out, they were helping raise us.