Embracing The Parenting Journey: Learning and Growing Alongside Your Child

Recently, I was invited to observe parent-teacher meetings at different grade levels at a nearby school. I came away reminiscing about a quote from the Harry Potter play, ‘The Cursed Child’, where Draco Malfoy tells Harry Potter, “People say parenting is the hardest job in the world—they’re wrong—growing up is. We all just forget how hard it was.” 

Parent teacher meeting

Continuing from where Malfoy left off, I wondered what we parents can do to make growing up for our children a thing of joy rather than ‘the hardest job in the world’. Could we give them a calm mind that helps them think clearly to become the best version of themselves, and bask in the durable joy that provides? 

Observations from parent-teacher interactions at the preschool level

A child writes their name in crayon

For children between three to five years, there was an underlying current of worry amongst the parents that their children may be left far behind their peers. The issues ranged from the child not wanting to go for swimming classes, changing fancy lunch boxes to simpler ones that they could open independently, to no love for eating vegetables. The teacher also remarked on how some children were not focussed, either hyper-active or very quiet. She said that the children would only listen when she was strict with them. The teacher talked of one girl who was already the leader of a group of friends, where membership was restricted to whether she liked the new candidate! 

Observations from Grade Four

Children were creative and multi-talented at Grade 4

Here, the teachers agreed that today’s children are creative and multi-talented, but rued the fact that they didn’t have exams until they were older! A teacher felt competition was healthy. However, she did say that she saw the benefits of collaboration which came so naturally to children as they appreciated each other’s work without envy. 

The parents were keen on adding after-school classes in maths and english for their children. A universal concern was screen-time across iPads and TVs. It was a challenge to get them off! As the parents filed out, a teacher said to me that the parents expect the school to do all the hard work and meet their children’s developmental needs. She empathised that since they were so busy at work, they had little time or energy to spend with their children. It felt like she left some things unsaid…

Observations from Grade Six

A child takes a test

The narrative here had changed. The children had taken a written exam for the first time, and the report cards had to be collected. The parents had very different reactions to what the teacher had to say about the performance of their wards! While one mother said: “My child is over-confident and that is her undoing”, another one smiled and said “this is the first time she’s taken an exam, she’ll surely get better as she learns the art of taking an exam.” 

Another parent who came in towards the end, looked hard at the report card and categorically told the teacher, “I am not satisfied with his numbers even though my son may be!” The teacher, who had looked pleased with the child’s performance so far, had to revise their opinion. One didn’t have to look to see the boy’s expression change. The parent said “Please take away his football when you see him playing with it.” She made it clear that she would tolerate no confusion in matters of academic seriousness. The teacher’s explanation, that the boy was a keen football player, fell on deaf ears. 

As they left, the teacher talked about how the children were not concentrating in class and were easily distracted especially since the onset of the epidemic in 2020. Then, very matter of factly, he remarked that the parents picked up their phones as soon as they were at leisure. 

Takeaways and considerations

Every child is unique

Every family was different, some sat at the back of the class talking to each other while the others looked on quietly. As someone said, no two  families are the same. Evidently, every child is different too. Even as there were tell-tale signs and similarities between the children and their parents, there were discernible signs of every child’s own individuality. One just needed to look to see them! 

Obviously, all parents want the best for our child. We bend backwards to do our best for them, and spare no resources. I met a young mother on a train once, and we got talking about her children, an older daughter and a younger son. She introduced them to me by saying admiringly that her daughter was very sharp and good at Maths. As we looked at her son, she smiled, ‘all he wants is to play, he is a bit dull.’ One hopes these labels that we project, perhaps unconsciously, don’t stick. 

When we want our children to do better at what we think they should be doing (in this case, academics), and not explore what they’re interested in and good at, that we introduce them to stress. We also introduce them to fear, because children are scared of displeasing us. This fear leads them to become dishonest, first hiding facts and then start speaking lies. They are no longer proud of themselves (because their parents are not proud of them). This, coupled with the fear of not doing well in something they are not good at, makes them enter a cycle of procrastination and then, laziness.

However, isn’t the following the story that parents so easily succumb to? ‘My child was born to me, looks similar to me, and she should think like I do.’ We cajole them, encourage them, and push them to dream big like we did, and also to follow our dreams. 

We forget that their parents are different from ours. More importantly, they are born in a time which is different to ours. We also forget that their dreams could be different to ours. It is not obvious when we haven’t consciously thought about it. And this makes it hard for us. We want our children to be different from what their own nature is. We want them to be better at maths or at languages and forget that they can be the best at football!

It's possible!

There is a couplet from The Bhagavad-Gita Chapter 6: which says,  

Elevate yourself through the power of your mind, and not degrade yourself, for the mind can be the friend and also the enemy of the self.

And another that says, 

For those who have conquered the mind, it is their friend. For those who have failed to do so, the mind works like an enemy.

Can we help our children to be able to discipline themselves? To give them the joy of a calm mind, the space to be able to figure out what they are good at? Can we step in where they need our help? Our encouragement provides children the resilience to let them play out their choices so they know what will serve them well in life. Isn’t Parenting a journey where we’re learning and growing alongside our children! As caregivers, do we want to encourage leaders or followers? 

On Children By Kahlil Gibran (1883 –1931)

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.