You are Enough

A Montessori Approach to Empowering Child Development

The two watches had been set back by an hour. Technical as it was, it had taken some understanding, especially since a 6 year old was attempting it. His only intent was to miss school the next morning. That night, to his delight, as he moved the little knob behind the wall-clock, it allowed him to move its hands and roll back the time by an hour! He now knew that all the watches and the wall-clock were all showing the same time.

As expected, the next morning, the household stirred later than usual and the activities were rushed for some reason because the sun shone harder than it should have at that hour. The mother was flustered when they missed the school bus! It took her a little finding out from her young man to know that he had done it all so he could miss school that day! She was a hard one on attendance. Despite being late, amidst a lot of re-arrangements of transport and schedules, she still took the two brothers (aged 6 and 3) to school.

After dropping them, she walked up the steps to the house pensively wondering at his curiosity and capability, and noticed how her husband could not help smiling at her and then breaking out into peals of laughter! “Who, at 6 years, figures out how to work the clock and the watches? He ensured that all the watches and clocks in the house had the same time”, he exclaimed in his happy voice. “Incredible! Celebrate, instead of worrying about him missing school! I am so full of admiration for our little genius!”

Even as one looks back on that day, one cannot help but smile at the sheer innocence of the act and the ingenuousness of the child. As a parent, the response was either to have pride or to shame him for what he had done. His behaviour was driven by a need, perhaps taking control of his own life, even if it meant pushing boundaries. Perhaps he was nervous about something at school or just wanted to be home that particular day and rest.

Need drives behavior

Maria Montessori talked a lot about the needs of children and how a particular need could drive behavior. Especially in the early years, when the intellect and power of reasoning is not developed. When they want that M&M candy, they want it, good teeth, bad teeth, or no teeth. It’s about emotions, no logic works!

She talked about children having fundamental needs like love, security and safety. If met with in the early years, it makes them fill up on self-worth. Also, it gives them the capability to work towards their own development.

A peaceful and loving environment at home, with limits set empathetically, gives children a feeling of being seen and cared for. Letting them partake in age-appropriate tasks around the house prepares them to embrace opportunities and challenges outside the house with grit and resilience.

Exploration is a human need which pushes us to learn more about the world around us and accomplish all that adults can do. Fifty years of working with little children, and research from the different countries where Maria Montessori’s trainees went, established that children use movement to develop themselves. That, in turn, aids the connections of synapses in their brain.

They love being given choices (‘would you like to eat a pancake or a slice of bread’) and appreciate a sense of order in their routine so they know what to expect. Doing purposeful work with their hands and bodies gives them a feeling of fulfilment on completing a task. It takes away from the limitations they feel from their bodies being so little.

Our untiring collaborators

You’ll be surprised at how independent and confident they become when we prepare our home for these little yet very capable human beings.

To give a few examples:

• Helping your toddlers to help themselves by giving them long-stemmed spoons so they can feed themselves

• Sourcing a step stool so they can sit down and put on their shoes by themselves without losing balance, or reach that jar on the shelf

• Preparing a space with racks and shelves so they can put their toys and books in place by themselves, without having to depend on adults

• Letting them help you wash that potato or even wipe that table

Our little ones have the potential, we just need to help them unlock it. These are all satisfying and purposeful activities that fulfil their need for independence.

Also, the interdependence, where they are working on their own and yet feel like they are part of a team, adds to their joy of learning. It helps them become the best version of themselves that they can be.

Nurturing Inner discipline

When we have the patience to stand by, to watch and observe them, pick up sticks and stones on our walks together, to pause to notice that bird, to allow them to push those buttons at the traffic-lights, these are all examples of little steps which help them become self-confident and active human beings.

It makes us realize they have no fear and are not inhibited about doing things on their own. It not only allows, but encourages them to make sense of the world around them. We are giving them the freedom to just be, to stand and stare, as John Milton reminded us, allowing them to do things in their own unique way, at their own pace.

They will surprise you by walking and cycling, untiringly. Instead of coming down a slide, they’ll experiment by climbing the slide from the front, and then sliding face-down. If you are having a head-ache, they’ll look after you just like you look after them when they are unwell and bring you that glass of water or envelop you in a long hug.

Do not be surprised if your child tells you “you can do it”, when you are struggling to do something. He is merely echoing the thought and feeling which he has experienced, when you have been around quietly and unobtrusively observing, as he figures his way through issues and challenges.

I see you, I hear you !

It is not easy to give them the freedom of choice and independence to do things on their own. For example, letting them take longer in the bath, making up their own mind and taking their time to choose what they’d like to wear. It can test our patience. However, if we are not in a hurry to rush them, observation becomes our most potent tool. It helps us know our children’s triggers and strengths so we can support them as they construct their internal clocks to regulate and acquire inner discipline.

Being in that space and giving them that extra time with utmost compassion so the tantrum can run its life before coming to calm, helps them learn to self-regulate in the future. When they are tired or restless and do not know how to express themselves (that they are missing someone or something), then just kneeling down or physically coming down to their level, sends the message that they are our focus.

Children who are encouraged to push boundaries, and reassured that impossible is nothing, grow-up with the learning that failures and mistakes are a part of life. If anything, making mistakes gives us a chance to perfect ourselves and is not something we have to be afraid of for fear of being chided or shamed.

Have courage! You are Enough.